3 Reasons Why People Keep Secrets (From Themselves)

Introduction

Self-deception or secrets from oneself is the act of lying to oneself—is more than just denial; it’s a psychological survival tactic. People often deceive themselves to protect their self-image, reduce emotional pain, or maintain social harmony. Though it may seem irrational, self-deception serves functional roles, deeply rooted in both evolutionary and cognitive psychology.

 

Read More: Nice Guy Syndrome

 

Understanding Self-Deception

Unlike ignorance, self-deception is an active process where the mind knowingly hides truths from itself. Sigmund Freud was among the first to formalize this idea through the concept of defense mechanisms—unconscious strategies to shield the ego from distress. More contemporary scholars, like Kunda (1990), describe self-deception as a result of motivated reasoning, where people skew evidence to support their desired beliefs.

Robert Trivers (2011) added an evolutionary twist, proposing that self-deception evolved to better deceive others. By believing our own lies, we become more convincing liars—a trait advantageous in competitive social environments.

Why People Engage in Self-Deception

Some of the reasons why people engage in self-deception are:

1. Protecting Self-Esteem: People often reinterpret failures to preserve their self-worth. Taylor and Brown (1988) found that mildly depressed individuals are more realistic than non-depressed people, suggesting that some level of self-deception may be mentally healthy.
2. Avoiding Cognitive Dissonance: According to Festinger’s (1957) theory, cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort experienced when holding conflicting beliefs. Self-deception helps resolve this tension by altering one’s perceptions or justifications.
3. Maintaining Social Relationships: Admitting flaws can be socially damaging. By denying them to ourselves, we preserve harmony in relationships—even if it means distorting reality.

Common Forms of Self-Deception

• Denial: Refusing to accept facts (e.g., “I’m not addicted”).
• Rationalization: Justifying unethical actions (e.g., “I cheated because they were unfair”).
• Projection: Attributing one’s flaws to others (e.g., “They’re just jealous”).
• False Consensus: Believing that others share your views, even without evidence.

Costs and Benefits

Self-deception isn’t inherently bad. In small doses, it can increase optimism and resilience. However, persistent self-deception may lead to poor decision-making, strained relationships, and long-term psychological distress. Goleman (1985) warned that chronic self-deception can erode authenticity and delay personal growth.

 

Detecting and Overcoming Self-Deception

Self-awareness and mindfulness practices can help individuals identify and confront their self-deceptions. Therapy—particularly cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT)—also aids in recognizing distorted thinking patterns and replacing them with healthier alternatives.

 

Conclusion

Self-deception is a double-edged sword: protective in some cases, destructive in others. Understanding its mechanisms and motivations allows individuals to make more conscious choices, balancing emotional survival with psychological integrity.

 

References

Festinger, L. (1957). A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance. Stanford University Press.

Kunda, Z. (1990). The case for motivated reasoning. Psychological Bulletin, 108(3), 480–498.

Taylor, S. E., & Brown, J. D. (1988). Illusion and well-being. Psychological Bulletin, 103(2), 193–210.

Trivers, R. (2011). The Folly of Fools. Basic Books.

Goleman, D. (1985). Vital Lies, Simple Truths. Simon & Schuster.